Why is it that when you look back you see smiles, silent laughter, chirping birds, rising suns, flourishing relations and career, however, when you look in the front you see haze and fear. Some say fear is there to make you feel alive, I say it hurts. I say what hurts the most is this damp present, wet, weeping, lonely present. Was that a choice I had made once in hopes of taking charge of my life and making something better of my life, myself? If that was it, why does the present feel so clogged and drained and coughed up. They say you must count your blessings, that you have a place to sleep, a kid to take care of, and a husband to cherish, and that you are still alive. How do I tell them I am not thankless of what I have. I am just not happy. I am not myself anymore. I have lost the confident self I used to be, the self I had spent years making, the self I had just started to take care of. It’s just not there anymore anywhere. The people who were with that self of mine too have left for their newer shinier selves and grown-up choices.
I do not feel belonged. I do not feel part of the body I am in. I do not feel myself. and that is making it really hard to live, this slow, dying life.
How many more weeping presents to endure?
MSKWritesNow 