Her. Part two.

She was scared. Yes, if she tried recalling it now, that was perhaps the heightened emotion at that very instant when she first missed a heartbeat as he caught her eye. Cautious, nauseated, breathing nervously, she went up to him and said, ‘Your shirt is white. I like white.’ ‘What the hell, what did I just say?’ She had started panicking as she realized how stupid she sounded standing in the middle of the cafeteria, holding his sleeve. Had there been a normal girl, with usual emotions, she would have gotten through this and brushed it aside laughing. But that was her. She had lost the ability to keep a straight posture; her eyes were watery and her lips were twitching trying to phrase an apology while he started at her blank. She heard all his mates going into hysteria laughing their wits out, calling her names, Sick, Psycho, Despo, Creep, Joker, and what not. She had just wanted to run away and never look back and just hit a car on the road and never wake up ever again. And then suddenly something happened which changed her for worse and added one more chapter to her book of misery. He hugged her. ‘Calm down. It’s not a big deal.’ ‘Let’s go, I will take you to your classroom.’ And off they went putting all on mute.

Staring at the bottom of her empty glass, listening to their chatter quietly, ‘Are they dating already?’ ‘They are just 15, relax’. ‘So what, they can be soulmates, you know.’ ‘Oh come on, he just wants to sleep around and of course she is a psycho and just got lucky with puberty.’ And the sweeping statements seemed an everyday ritual at school which everyone waited eagerly to participate in every now and then. ‘Does he love you?’ ‘Has he confessed?’ ‘Have you met his parents?’ She would hear these questions every day and still keep her mouth shut as she did not want anyone to ruin her perfect bliss. She knew love came slow but stayed long for a few, ‘I don’t care about any of that.’ But then she was a girl with overly charged emotions and subdued hopes. ‘Does he love me?’ ‘Why would he, I am just a mess.’ Well, that’s how she was. Least bit thrilled about advocating self-worth. Their high school had to finish that summer and who knew what else was going to end with that changing the course of life for many.

And everything and everyone she seemed to love or got attached to surely died or faded away or perchance her pessimism had grown deeper with age. And then one day, when she couldn’t take it any longer, she thought to ask him. ‘Hey, I was just wondering, I mean, you know, I was just thinking…’ ‘Would you speak up?’ and before she could manage to respond, he continued, struggling to keep his excitement unnoticed, said, ‘See I have got to be home early today, you know who is coming back to town?’ ‘I have been waiting for her to come back, she has been a very significant part of my life, you know, like a soul mate, we are like peas in the pod, and she is like my future and I want to give her everything and sooner…’ He was ranting and rambling and continued for quite a while after. She, on the other hand, had gotten numb in mind with every detail he shared till she couldn’t hear more and started hallucinating. She could see death everywhere, or probably human bodies maimed and dragged till their intestines came out on the street, with fresh blood oozing out of their pores. Her pupils were dilated with shock and then she could not remember anything.

Her first unrequited love ended in a nervous break-down with her in intensive care for straight two weeks. She would have stopped falling in love ever again and her self-doubt would have cost her all she had gained that far, you may presume. What if I tell you, that was just a beginning to her search for peace which she gained when she had nothing else left to lose but how, you asked.

Wait till you read more…

To a Crumbling Memory,

He could hear someone playing violin in the deepest corridors of his mind, loosening his muscles, calming the nerves and swamping the empty spaces in his heart. “And she’s gone.” He struggled sighing.

He was in the utmost state of peace and quiet, knocking the door of his neighbor slash best friend. He wanted to be with someone who could comprehend the loss he had gone through and how he still managed to keep his poise. How he had sent a loving farewell email to his ex-wife, apologizing and forgiving, letting her go, before he decided to meet his pal.

And how he would always miss his beautiful figment of imagination, love of his life, the girl who triggered all that he had lost after the divorce. How in the quietest of corners of his heart and mind, he was afraid to lose his senses in an attempt to trust that he was so desolately marooned again. She was gone.

He was on the roof of the apartments he lived in, with his best friend. Not saying anything, they kept sitting on the edge of the roof, shoulder to shoulder, breathing quietly, and feeling each other’s unsaid pains. The loss was grave, and the pain was unnerving. They had to let go…

No…He had to let her go with a promise of reuniting in the midst of the town where she had vowed to wait for her. But he had to find her and he would, he just had to see when.

“Imagine living while starving yourself, not eating a morsel, yet asked to live and work and be in the humdrum theater that life is.” He murmured.

“I didn’t want her, I didn’t need her. I was her. How would I be myself now?” He looked at his best friend with hollow eyes.

“Her voice kept me alive. Her laughter is everywhere. Her senseless jokes and nonsense excuses and…and…she’s gone, half the world away.” He choked on the last sentence, and she hugged her best friend, sighing at the fatal pranks life played. “Only if she could numb his grief…”