Her. Part two.

She was scared. Yes, if she tried recalling it now, that was perhaps the heightened emotion at that very instant when she first missed a heartbeat as he caught her eye. Cautious, nauseated, breathing nervously, she went up to him and said, ‘Your shirt is white. I like white.’ ‘What the hell, what did I just say?’ She had started panicking as she realized how stupid she sounded standing in the middle of the cafeteria, holding his sleeve. Had there been a normal girl, with usual emotions, she would have gotten through this and brushed it aside laughing. But that was her. She had lost the ability to keep a straight posture; her eyes were watery and her lips were twitching trying to phrase an apology while he started at her blank. She heard all his mates going into hysteria laughing their wits out, calling her names, Sick, Psycho, Despo, Creep, Joker, and what not. She had just wanted to run away and never look back and just hit a car on the road and never wake up ever again. And then suddenly something happened which changed her for worse and added one more chapter to her book of misery. He hugged her. ‘Calm down. It’s not a big deal.’ ‘Let’s go, I will take you to your classroom.’ And off they went putting all on mute.

Staring at the bottom of her empty glass, listening to their chatter quietly, ‘Are they dating already?’ ‘They are just 15, relax’. ‘So what, they can be soulmates, you know.’ ‘Oh come on, he just wants to sleep around and of course she is a psycho and just got lucky with puberty.’ And the sweeping statements seemed an everyday ritual at school which everyone waited eagerly to participate in every now and then. ‘Does he love you?’ ‘Has he confessed?’ ‘Have you met his parents?’ She would hear these questions every day and still keep her mouth shut as she did not want anyone to ruin her perfect bliss. She knew love came slow but stayed long for a few, ‘I don’t care about any of that.’ But then she was a girl with overly charged emotions and subdued hopes. ‘Does he love me?’ ‘Why would he, I am just a mess.’ Well, that’s how she was. Least bit thrilled about advocating self-worth. Their high school had to finish that summer and who knew what else was going to end with that changing the course of life for many.

And everything and everyone she seemed to love or got attached to surely died or faded away or perchance her pessimism had grown deeper with age. And then one day, when she couldn’t take it any longer, she thought to ask him. ‘Hey, I was just wondering, I mean, you know, I was just thinking…’ ‘Would you speak up?’ and before she could manage to respond, he continued, struggling to keep his excitement unnoticed, said, ‘See I have got to be home early today, you know who is coming back to town?’ ‘I have been waiting for her to come back, she has been a very significant part of my life, you know, like a soul mate, we are like peas in the pod, and she is like my future and I want to give her everything and sooner…’ He was ranting and rambling and continued for quite a while after. She, on the other hand, had gotten numb in mind with every detail he shared till she couldn’t hear more and started hallucinating. She could see death everywhere, or probably human bodies maimed and dragged till their intestines came out on the street, with fresh blood oozing out of their pores. Her pupils were dilated with shock and then she could not remember anything.

Her first unrequited love ended in a nervous break-down with her in intensive care for straight two weeks. She would have stopped falling in love ever again and her self-doubt would have cost her all she had gained that far, you may presume. What if I tell you, that was just a beginning to her search for peace which she gained when she had nothing else left to lose but how, you asked.

Wait till you read more…


Last Word…

To Love,
Not long ago, it started off with spontaneity and grace, bit by bit, step by step. There was amazement and awe, which soon shifted places with affection and infatuation, not in the same order perhaps. The impression was of extreme reverence and care but it lasted not more than an eye blink.
He thought she needed a hand with her isolation and absolute solitude, she thought he understood better. The perceptions clicked, similarities emerged, differences seemed to last no longer or mattered less. Whatever was the ground, it did seem firm and reliable to endure the new feeling. Soon, she understood, he had been through a lot and that he had nothing more to offer than mere time. While, he thought she never knew, and thus he used every moment to remind her of the fact. She would smile inside at his naivety and the fact he thought he knew her better. She went with the flow to let him figure that out himself.
He brought feelings, care and emotions along, quite handsome were his words and reassuring his gestures. She just stayed there, all that while, bemused. She knew it was transient. Then they would argue the social facts, religious dogmas and relationship rules. He would speak, she would negate and vice verse, but in vain. The similarities shadowed, differences appeared yet they thought their version of reality was more real than the sun above.
Soon urges paved their way in; no they had been there all along but who knew they were tangible and lasting. He compromised his vows and she her values, yet both remained hollow and wanting. They thought it was love what they felt and thus trusted it and went deeper. Soon they found themselves on the banks of the river of expectations, gushing its waves and scaring their passions off. All too soon the clouds of mistrust appeared; and all that instant, her expressions never altered. She was dumbfounded at the brevity of what she presumed a soulful pact with him. Nothing left of the bond but a few sighs, and some downtrodden words of affection. She stayed there, beside the river of expectations, thinking, wondering, alone.
With love,